Aug 5 2012

Today I retire to my computer as I have just been slaughtered in a game of Risk with Andrew and Christopher. Aubri was the first to go, then me. I must admit... I am considering grounding the boys tomorrow if they make a single side step out of line! Those buggers pretty much ganged up on me and took me out together! So Annoying!

Ok... back to real life. :)

For those of you who didn't get the whole story, it has been a life changing month for me. The first of July I went in for a routine MRI to just make sure that everything is still at bay. Most unfortunetly, they found a tumor in my remaining breast and were quite concerned. They had me come back the following day for yet another MRI and to take a biopsy of the area. So, me and my practically empty check book headed back up to the MRI/Radiology Clinic for a torture session. As it turned out, the session was a bit more brutal than I expected due to the fact that I take one aspirin every day as prescribed by my oncologist (it is supposed to help with cancer recurrence) Anyway, I guess this makes my blood thin and I had some bleeding issues. This created a very muddy MRI picture (and some tougher healing) but they took a bunch of samples anyway.

The doc told me that she knew it was "something" and that if my results came back with "nothing" we would need to do it again until we got something.

I wasn't very encouraged, and found myself with a bit of panic not wanting to face having cancer again. After some discussion with the doctor she pretty much convinced me to prepare for that... so I went home with a heavy heart to say the least.

I spoke with Dad told him, but decided to not stress my kids out about this and so I wanted to wait until the test result were back.

(Maybe a stupid decision, but none the less that is what I decided)

I got my results just a couple of days later... and they got "nothing" meaning... they missed the tumor.

The rotten part was that we had to get "something" before we could quit. But the first biopsy was too brutal and I needed time to heal and stop the bleeding issues... stop taking the aspirin and get things healed up. My next MRI guided biopsy was scheduled for 3 weeks later.

This was a tough 3 weeks for me. I spent time in the Temple, on my knees and pulled out some old books I had from my first bout with cancer that Neal A Maxwell wrote (not sure you know this but he passed away from cancer and fought it for a long time... I just really like him)

Anyway, I came to the understanding more completely and fully about what "faith" really means. What enduring to the end really means... and more than just what it means... but more how to really "do it".

It is hard to explain, but I realize that to truely have faith... my MUST trust the Lord. You HAVE to be willing to submit to HIS will 100% and with patience and with cheerfulness.

You can not leave this part out of the faith equation. Faith means you trust the Lord to do for you what HE knows is best... If you trust him, you know that no matter what comes your way, He knows what is best for you, and would never give you something that wasn't for the best! Even if this means death (as rough as that sounds) but seriously... if he thinks that it is time for you to go... and you trust Him 100% then you can be sure that death is what he wants for you.

That sounds so intense, but it was such a lesson for me... another test of sorts to determine if I really did trust my Father in Heaven. I say I do... but do I REALLY?

Those 3 weeks were a test to my faith. I spent long nights awake thinking about this and studying examples of faithful people of the scriptures.

Finally last Wednesday the time came to return for the next MRI guided large needle biopsy. The questions I asked myself for weeks would now be answered... did I trust the Lord?

See... just because I wanted to not have this happen... didn't have anything to do with it. What really mattered was... am I willing to submit to the will of the Lord because I trust Him.

I believe that all though I am not perfect in this regard, I did feel my faith and trust in the Lord increase.

Of course you know the end of the story. The test results came back as an internal scaring that was only "acting" like a cancer tumor. The test was over,  I had not had a cancer recurrence.

I guess I could have not understood this concept as much as I do right now, without the worry and wonder as to what would be my future and fate.

It was a lesson that I thought I would share with my family.

Love you all... and hoping you all have a wonderful week...

Lots and lots of love from home sweet home!

Mom